The Secret to Mastering Change

You want to change. You have good intentions to change, but let’s be honest, you don’t change nearly or as often as you want to. The reason is because you go about change all wrong. But don’t take offense! It’s not entirely your fault. Keep reading.

There’s a simple reason we don’t change. And if we can understand that reason, then significant and purposeful change can occur in our lives and in our organizations. For me, understanding the underlying detriment to change has been a...wait for it...game changer.

One of those reasons you don’t change is because your change-wiring is crossed. It’s somewhat not your fault because it’s simply how you are wired (if that makes you feel better!). But you have a chance at successful and continual change by understanding that the uncrossing of these wires is necessary.

Let me illustrate: You want to start a new hobby (that's change). Say it's tennis--you want to start playing tennis. Here’s how we naturally would go about that:

1. Confidence. You muster enough confidence that you can actually learn to do this sport.

2. Capabilities. You would then go develop the capabilities so you knew how to play tennis. You’d borrow a racket, go hit with friends, ultimately get a lesson, until….

3. Courage. You’d have enough courage to take the next step, to buy a racket and maybe some real tennis shoes and then you would,

4. Commit. You’d commit to playing weekly. Why not? You now know how to play, you have the equipment so now it’s time to commit. You’d join a club or a team and really start playing.

That sounds like a logical way to change, right? But in channeling Dr. Seuss you find: “Except that you won’t because most times you don’t…” The problem is that is completely backwards and why change rarely happens. You will most likely quite at one of the steps before you get to the last one: commitment. Without commitment, you won’t change. Those who successfully change know that you have to start with Commitment, note end with it! So, if you want to change, you have to flip the natural order on its head, and it looks like this:

1. Commit. First you commit that you are going to play tennis! You get the resolve, that “yes, this is something that I am going to do!” You sign-up for lessons, and you commit to playing in a league this fall.

2. Courage. Let’s face it, you’re scared. You’ve never done this before so that’s understandable! What if you look like a complete fool out there? Well, you’ve already committed, so you muster up the courage to continue. Commitment creates courage!

3. Capabilities. You’re committed and you’re courageous, so you start developing the capabilities you need to be a tennis player. You’re actually motivated to learn what you committed to, and then

4. Confidence. That gives you a higher confidence to do more. You start getting your serves in, your backhand comes along, you start winning matches. And one day you find yourself setting a new goal: You decided you want to go to State next year. So guess what starts all over again? It’s time to Commit…because you decided to change again.

Change without starting with commitment is like a dream without a plan--it ain’t going to happen. Know that you’re naturally wired to do the 4C’s backwards. Consciously change the order, and start with commitment. Once you commit, you can’t help but change.

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Credits: The 4C’s Formula is copyright Dan Sullivan of the Strategic Coach

The Gift of Failure

“The longer you live, the more you fail....Failure is the mark of a life well lived.”
-Oathbringer, Brandon Sanderson

Fail fast and fail often. I’ve always hated that saying. It’s for the weak. It’s like you’re trying to fail.

But as I grow older and my story--wiser--I am now beginning to embrace failure more and more. And not to see it as something that defines me, but as something that improves me. 

As the youngest of 5 brothers, we Landrums used to have a saying: “If you’re not bleeding, you’re not trying hard enough.” We don’t just say it; we believe it. I just returned from a brothers’ weekend (3 of us are solidly in our 4th decade with one in his 5th). And this weekend ended up involving a lot of laughs, but it also involved blood and stitches (and more laughs, as only brothers can do).

Why? Because we tried. Albeit, it was something stupid, but we tried and we failed. We learned. It hurt. We laughed. We lived; life.

Every now and again I self-reflect and go back through my life and I’m discovering and now facing some of my failures. I realize I’ve rationalized away a good bit of them. My story used to be the reason I didn’t succeed at this or that was because of someone or something else. But if I, if we, can look at our failures head on, face them and acknowledge them, we can then learn from them and allow them to be part of us. And eventually we can accept our failures, which really means, we can begin to accept ourselves.

I’d much rather live a life where I tried, failed at alot, but succeeded swimmingly at a few things, than to not have tried, “never” failing, but accomplishing or realizing nothing. That sounds like an extremely boring way to live life.

In other words, give me the blood and the stitches. I’m beginning to embrace--although maybe I always had, that Failure, is a mark of a life well lived.

Daily Approval

Are you willing to source your approval from within instead of from the outside?

In my experience, this is the question most of us can’t answer in the affirmative. Unbeknownst to our conscious, we’re constantly jockeying our behavior to elicit the approval of others.

Recently I was coaching an executive. While he was traveling overseas, one of his direct reports sent out a company-wide email saying my client’s operations had a major problem with their inventory.

For two weeks this executive’s wheels spun about how his teammate just threw him under the bus and how badly or inadequate he must look to the rest of the team.

Here’s the important thing to remember: That’s completely understandable and normal. But what is key is to understand what is really troubling him: is that his peers don’t approve of him or his work. Let me say it again: It’s not about the inventory; it’s not about a mistake; it’s not even about the email; what triggered my client is what his peers must be thinking about him now.

So I asked him a simple question: How much do you approve of your work? There was silence on the other end of the phone.

Suddenly he had a realization -- he’d been doing this for over 5 years, and when he took over the operation, he had improved the business by leaps and bounds. Over those 5+ years, he’s very proud of the work he’s done and no one would question his effectiveness. But in the day-to-day minutiae, he second guesses his work because his default move is to outsource his approval to others.

The lightbulb went on for him: Why do I approve of myself over the long term, but not in the short term?

That was a key insight he had that day. It was a moment of waking up, and worthy of further exploration. He will likely find it has to do with him disregarding his successes (where there are many) and focusing on his failures (where there are very few). In the long term, it’s easier to see all of the success. In the now, it’s pretty darn easy to see where you could be doing better.

Where do you source your approval? From within, or from others? Is your view the long term and how friendly and accepting are you to yourself in the short term?

Clear

Something has been on your mind. Someone did something that pissed you off. And so you stew. And you recycle. You’re stressed, and you find yourself below the line convincing yourself that you are right. Right. Right. Right. You’ve dug in and there’s no going back. They are wrong. You are right, damnit, and well, if you never talk to them again, sobeit.

Except it doesn’t have to be this way. You could simply Clear*, and everything would be much, much better.

Here’s how it works:

1. You pull the person aside who’s offended you and you ask if they have time for you to Clear something with him. You ask if they will just listen and simply repeat back what you say to them.

2. You affirm your relationship (i.e. “Please know our relationship is really important to me.”)

3. You cover the issue of what you want to clear (I was offended when you said this….)

   1. They repeat what you said to them (keep it concise). They ask, is there more? If not, move on. 

4. You tell them how it made you feel (angry, sad, scared, joy, etc.)

   1. They repat how you felt. Is there more?

5. You state: The facts of the story are this…. (these are facts a video camera would capture. Not interpretations. FACTS -- hint: you’ll find facts are few and far between).

   1. Repeat the facts. Are there more?

6. A STORY I made up about this is…

   1. Repeat the story. Is there more?

7. I specifically WANT (what the hell do you actually want? Be specific)

   1. Repeat: What you want is _______. Is there more?

8. Take Responsibility. How I created this disconnection with you (what’s your responsibility?)

   1. Repeat: You created a disconnection by __________. Is there more?

9. Projection: The part of me that I see in me that I have an aversion to is _________.

   1. Repeat the aversion.

   2. Repeat the appreciation.

   3. Then ask: “Are you Clear?”

At this point, you should be pretty damn clear. You have been heard. You have been seen. In my experience, both people take a big breath, and are able to move on. The listener may want to clear back. I’d recommend that be 24 hours later. The key is to hold being right loosely. Many listeners can feel like this process is about them, but in fact, the learnings come aplenty for the person needing the clearing.

Give it a try. Stop recycling. Stop being committed to being right. Stop damaging key relationships.

Clear.

_________

*Based on the Clearing Model from The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership

Lead You

Leadership usually focuses on leading others. But great leaders know leadership starts with themselves. If you want to lead yourself, you have to know who you really are. And to know who you really are, you need to cuddle up to and get to know...your Ego.

Your Ego is Running the Show

Your ego is the part of the mind that is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. Or put another way, you and your ego have defined your personal identity, and your Ego’s job is to protect that identity at all costs. In order to do that, your ego interprets “reality” to best align with your fictitious identity. I say fictitious because it’s made up by you, your experiences, your demographics, psychographics, social-economic status, level of education, color of your skin, athletic abilities (or not), your attractiveness, etc. We--you--give meaning to all of these things to create our identity. And once that identity is locked and loaded, your Ego’s job is to protect it at all costs. And it begins interpreting “reality” to align with your belief about yourself. 

The Ego’s Original Job

The Ego is all about survival. In primitive times, the Ego wasn’t concerned with your self image. It was concerned with survival. Think sabertooth tigers -- its job was for reality testing. Is that a tiger over there? Is it hunting me? What do I need to do to survive?! The game has changed but the Ego has not. We are no longer (for the most part) concerned getting killed when we step out our front door--except for our identity. We are so deeply rooted in who we think we are that the Ego is vigilantly scanning the horizon for our modern sabertooth tigers. Anything that contradicts a belief in ourselves is a threat.

Understanding Your Identity

You are not who you think you are. I bet you’d say you’re not a liar. And I’d be willing to bet you’ve already lied today or yesterday by the latest. You may think I’m splitting hairs, but if someone asked you how you were doing and you said pavlovicly, “Good!” when in fact you were having a horrible day, that’s not the truth, right? Yesterday, I spoke to my team about some team members who decided to leave and I said to the team as their mighty leader that I was very sad to see them go. Now, I think of myself as a very honest person. But I was not sad to see them go. It was a half-truth. I was sad to see one person go and I was pretty darn happy to see the other person go. I’m a liar.

Reshaping Your Identity

The Ego goes nuts with this type of information. Your ego may be going nuts right now. Just pause and listen to the racket. It may be telling you to click off this post, stop reading, this guy is nuts! Sure it is, I just said to your Ego--”Hey buddy, I know your game. You aren’t who you say are. Actually, I’ll call you out. I bet you think you’re honest, but I know you’re not. What are you going to do with that?” Go crazy, that’s what. Your ego’s job is to survive, so it’s going to do one of two things unconsciously: Fight or Flight. Consciously though, you can tell your Ego to chill for a bit while you consider this idea: I’m a liar. Or, perhaps more aptly put: I don’t always tell the truth. And then you choose to rewire your identity based on your reality, not your ego’s “reality.”

The Inmate is Running the Asylum

Once you figure out your Ego is running the asylum, you can begin to get present with who your Ego thinks you are. Your Ego is dogmatic. Life is not. The amount of cognitive dissonance your ego causes in life is staggering. For instance, if you believe you don’t lie, but in fact you are guilty of making white lies all day, your Ego doesn’t know what to do with that. “Hold it!” it says. “We aren’t a liar! So, what we’re saying must then be true, and all of these people are crazy! We can’t trust anyone! Everyone is out to get us! Other people are dishonest!” The Ego is like a computer that has been programmed,“You don’t lie,” so when you do lie, it has to jump through a bunch of hoops to reconcile reality with its reality: That you don’t lie. 

Right, it’s crazy. The inmate is running the asylum.

Lead You

Unconsciously, the Ego leads you. It leads me. We’ve created our identity--right or wrong--and at this point we’re not judging the identity we have created. To effectively lead ourselves, we simply want to know the identity that we created. What is my identity? Who do I say I am and who does my Ego believe I am?

In other words, we’re waking up to who we really are. Let me say that again: you’re waking up to who you really are. Even with that statement, your ego just went on alert. It is saying: “There’s a threat here. I’m totally comfortable with who I am! Why are we questioning who I am? You don’t need to go there. I’ve got this. You keep living your life, and I’ll make sure you perceive reality as you need to. We’re good. Keep moving please!”

If you want to lead yourself, you have to know who you really are. If you want to lead yourself, you will need to tell your Ego that you’re planning to drive, and it’s going to need to take a back seat. Now, we’ll find that’s easier said than done and it will take a good amount of practice, but that is what will be required.

Unconscious Commitments

You’re committed; I’m committed. I’d bet $1,000,000 that not only are you committed, but that you are an extremely committed person.

Let me rattle off what you are most likely committed to:

• Being late to meetings or events. I have plenty of proof.

• Odds are you’re committed to being overweight.

• To watching TV. Alot of it.

• To being in debt. No?

• To not being happy at work.

• To not being happy in your marriage.

• To not being happy, period.

• To not having deep enough relationships.

• To not doing enough of something: exercise, praying, going to church, calling mom or dad, spending time with the kids.

You’re committed, and so am I.

The problem is, we’re not conscious about our commitments. We’re unconsciously committed. How do I know? Because whatever I’ve got [sic], is what I’m committed to. If you’re routinely late for meetings, or you, like average Americans watch 5 hours of TV a night, are on an anti-depressent (over 50% of our population) are divorced or on your way (again, over 50%), or are obese (75% of Men, 60% of women), then that’s what you’re committed to. Now, before you crucify me, I understand there are chemical reasons for needing antidepressants, or there are valid reasons for divorce, and perhaps medical resasons for being obese...but it’s the exception and not the rule.

Examine your life. If there are 2-3 things you want to change, what commitment do you need to change? If you want to be your ideal weight, are you willing to commit to doing what it takes? If you want more time to read, paint, or play the piano—are you willing to turn the TV off? Get off your phone? If you want to spend more time with the kids, are you willing to manage your work schedule so you have the time needed to engage?

The answer is in your hands. It’s about commitment, not wanting. Are you willing to be at the affect of your unconscious commitments or choose to live a life of conscious commitments?

The Power of Question

I’m embarrassed of who I used to be. I was that special guy, that me monster. The guy who did many things to the extreme to make himself feel special (and...I still do that to a degree). But to make matters worse, I had to tell you all about it. And then I had to tell you how, you too, could do that thing I was able to do that made me so special.

My sin: I gave unsolicited advice to the extreme. And before you judge me, I bet you do too. I bet you give unsolicited advice all of the time. Your advice giving may not be to the extreme specialness as mine was, but you do it.

How do I know? Because I’ve seen you do it. I’ve heard you do it. You can’t help yourself. Ok, maybe not specifically you, but what I notice is almost everyone does it. If you’re paying attention, here’s what you’ll notice about the person you’re giving unsolicited advice to (but since it’s really about you and not them, you probably haven’t noticed this):

• Her energy will drop. What was an engaging conversation (because she was talking about herself), now shifted to you through a sneaky advice giving maneuver. She doesn’t care and if you were in touch with her energy, you’d notice it just dropped off of a cliff.

• Her body language will change, detached.

• Her voice inflection will go flat. She’ll give you flat affirmations like, Oh, Ok, Uh-huh. She’s checked out the minute you told her how she could better live her life [more like yours].

• Her eyes will literally glaze over or go dim. This is another indication she doesn’t give a rip about your advice.

Painful to realize, right? I know, I’ve been there and I’m still on guard to make sure I don’t become the unsolicited advice giver. So what do you do to avoid this trap?

Ask questions. That’s right, but don’t only ask questions. Ask great questions. Empowering questions. I guarantee you will be amazed about the results. Here’s what you will most likely experience if you ask questions:

• She will come up with her own solution, and it will probably be better than the advice you were going to give her.

• She will most likely enact her solution, whereas there was about a 0% chance she would act on your unsolicited advice.

• Her energy will rise during the conversation, it won’t drop, because you engaged her brain to think, and for her to think about herself, not you.

• She will think more of you. She will think you are so smart, so caring, so charming because you cared enough to ask her interesting questions to help her get to a solution.

Now, I could simply violate my own advice and do just that, give you the advice to stop giving advice! But I won’t. I’ll leave you with a set of questions to let you ponder your next step, if any:

• How do you feel when someone gives you unsolicited advice?

• What is it that you get out of giving advice? No, really, what do you get out of it (you get something out of it or you wouldn’t do it)?

• How much relational equity does it cost you to give your advice?

• What is the worst thing that could happen if you stopped giving unsolicited advice?

• What is the best thing that could happen if you stopped giving unsolicited advice?

• How true could it be that you could be more helpful to people by not giving them advice?

• When do you want to stop giving unsolicited advice and start asking questions instead?

You may be surprised in the power of your questions. You’ll often here, “That’s a great question….wow, you ask great questions!” After 500 hours of coaching training, it’s one of the best compliments to hear, and I simply smile.

Significance is Sitting Next to You

We all have a drive in us to be significant. To have a legacy, leave a mark, or as Steve Jobs was famously attributed with, “To dent the universe.”

David Ogilvy gives us similar advice, “Don’t bunt. Swing for the fences.”

And so we have a generation or two that now want to individually change the world. Additionally, we have a whole new business category called “social impact” that is reserved for businesses that, well, are going to change the world.

Except very few do in fact change the world.

For me, as both an entrepreneur and of course as an individual, significance can be daunting. What in the world am I going to do to change the world? What happens if I don’t change the world? Does that make my life not meaningful? Not worthy?

Hardly. I think we’ve got it all wrong, this idea of significance. 

What is significance anyway? It’s so sad to think that countless men and women are striving to live significantly, yet they are insignificant in their children's’ lives. 50% of those are divorced, becoming insignificant to their ex-spouses. 67% of employees are not engaged at work--either not significant to their company or not significant in their contribution to the company.

We so badly want significance, but it’s often on the other side of the proverbial fence. What if our world were to get smaller? What if we didn’t desire to be significant to strangers across the pond, or in another state or even to those in the city in which we live? What if, instead, we chose to be significant to those people that are in our lives?

What if I made my spouse the most significant person in my life? What if, as a father, I broke the status quo of spending less than 5 minutes a day with my kids, and instead chose to be very significant to them and them to me? What if I served my employer in a way that made me extremely significant? Or, lead my direct reports in such a manner that I was very significant in their lives or they were very significant to me?

A colleague shared a story with me about her going to dinner at a fancy restaurant. The room in which they were dining slowly started to clear out, and the staff began rearranging the tables for a large party. My friend was informed that Dabo Swinney, Clemson University’s head football coach, was hosting a birthday dinner for his then-18 year old son. Because Dabo is treated like a king in these parts, the wait staff chose to neglect the remaining couple by not servicing them and put their attention on Dabo. At one point, Dabo noticed this, and he asked the wait staff to not forget the couple. He then later came over to my colleague and her guest and apologized, asked how they were doing, etc. When the couple was done with their meal, they asked for the check. The waiter informed them their dinner had been paid for in full. Dabo picked up their check.

Dabo Swinney, now with two national championships under his belt is a king in South Carolina. He is the state’s highest paid employee, and he is VERY significant to many in these parts. Yet, he took the time to notice those around him. To show concern. To take care of their needs. To even go so far to treat and delight them. He was by far the most significant person in the restaurant by the world’s standards. Yet he chose to make two strangers significant to him.

If you want to be significant, you will make others significant. You may be one of the few that changes the world. Or, you can be significant in your world. Your family, your work, your church and maybe even your community. So many people are sitting on the sideline waiting for their “chance,” and oftentimes their chance is sitting right next to them.

Active Appreciation

Notice. Care. Thoughtfulness. Connect. Presence. Confidence. Lack of Fear. Love. Expression. Empathy. Value. Others. Selfless. Highlight. Elevate. Savor. Smile. Heart. Appreciation.

Recently I attended an event in which the group did an appreciation exercise. For 4 minutes, one of us sat in a chair while 20 peers lavished appreciation on them. Some of the appreciation was small (“you have beautiful hair”) and some of it was BIG (“I notice you are a man of integrity.”).

I was struck by one man in particular. His appreciation was different. The appreciation that came from him was genuine. His appreciation was authentic. I had the impression that the words he spoke weren’t just made up on the spot, it was an appreciation he had already formulated, his words came from a history of noticing. He was simply expressing what he had already appreciated.

His appreciation was beautiful. I wanted to be able to do that. How honoring the person feels with true, authentic and genuine appreciation. I know, I was one of the people receiving appreciation from him. I felt seen. I felt known. I felt appreciated. I felt valued, accepted. All of these things and more. Who wouldn’t want someone to feel that way?

My take away from that appreciation experience is:

1. Be on the Lookout. Always be on the lookout for things to appreciate.

2. Care, you appreciate what you value, care about others.

3. Out it, don’t hold appreciation in, let the person know what you appreciate.

I’m paying attention more to see what others do. I’ve created an appreciation journal and jot down things that I appreciate. And then I find opportune times to share with them my appreciations. It’s a habit I desire to build.

Purpose > Significance

Significance is defined as the quality of being worthy of attention or importance. We all strive for it. Desire attention; crave importance. To leave a legacy, make a mark, or dent the universe.

Wanting or desiring significance isn’t inherently wrong and it seems quite natural. But I think our innate drive for significance gets perverted very quickly.

If significance is about attention and importance, then shouldn’t we be giving significance instead of seeking it? Shouldn’t our actions and the quality of who we are, create significance instead of our manufacturing or demanding significance?

Mother Theresa didn’t set out to be significant. She gave significance to Calcutta's poorest of the poor. She lived her purpose; Mother Theresa was her purpose. She saw everyone was worthy of attention and importance, and she, in turn, became one of the most significant people of our time.

We live in a world in which everyone wants to change the world. The underlying motive, I can only fathom, is this unquenchable thirst for significance. “I’m going to change the world; therefore I am worthy of your attention, and I am important!”

And oh so few actually change the world.

Purpose comes before significance. Purpose gives birth to significance. Without purpose, significance is very hard to come by.

To those close to me, hopefully, I am significant--but it will be because of two things: (1) Because I’m fulfilling my purpose and (2) I am making those around me significant first. As a loving husband, I must be thoughtful and give my wife significance. As a loving father, I carry out my purpose and responsibilities for my children. I show them they are extremely important to me and I give them attention, significance. The more on purpose I am, the more significance I can bring to those around me.

Significance is not to be sought. It’s to be earned from a job well done; a life well lived. Significance is gained through purpose. It is not meant to be achieved; significance is meant to be given.

Your life lived purposefully will earn you significance. But along the way, you must be a giver of significance. Who in your life are you giving worthy attention and importance to?

Do you want significance? Do you want to change the world? I’d suggest you start living your purpose and giving significance first to those in your world.