Clear

Something has been on your mind. Someone did something that pissed you off. And so you stew. And you recycle. You’re stressed, and you find yourself below the line convincing yourself that you are right. Right. Right. Right. You’ve dug in and there’s no going back. They are wrong. You are right, damnit, and well, if you never talk to them again, sobeit.

Except it doesn’t have to be this way. You could simply Clear*, and everything would be much, much better.

Here’s how it works:

  1. You pull the person aside who’s offended you and you ask if they have time for you to Clear something with him. You ask if they will just listen and simply repeat back what you say to them.

  2. You affirm your relationship (i.e. “Please know our relationship is really important to me.”)

  3. You cover the issue of what you want to clear (I was offended when you said this….)

    1. They repeat what you said to them (keep it concise). They ask, is there more? If not, move on. 

  4. You tell them how it made you feel (angry, sad, scared, joy, etc.)

    1. They repat how you felt. Is there more?

  5. You state: The facts of the story are this…. (these are facts a video camera would capture. Not interpretations. FACTS -- hint: you’ll find facts are few and far between).

    1. Repeat the facts. Are there more?

  6. A STORY I made up about this is…

    1. Repeat the story. Is there more?

  7. I specifically WANT (what the hell do you actually want? Be specific)

    1. Repeat: What you want is _______. Is there more?

  8. Take Responsibility. How I created this disconnection with you (what’s your responsibility?)

    1. Repeat: You created a disconnection by __________. Is there more?

  9. Projection: The part of me that I see in me that I have an aversion to is _________.

    1. Repeat the aversion.

    2. Repeat the appreciation.

    3. Then ask: “Are you Clear?”

At this point, you should be pretty damn clear. You have been heard. You have been seen. In my experience, both people take a big breath, and are able to move on. The listener may want to clear back. I’d recommend that be 24 hours later. The key is to hold being right loosely. Many listeners can feel like this process is about them, but in fact, the learnings come aplenty for the person needing the clearing.

Give it a try. Stop recycling. Stop being committed to being right. Stop damaging key relationships.

Clear.

_________

*Based on the Clearing Model from The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership